… was, apparently, write time-wasting letters to the National Theatre. I recently found copies, which I leave here for the crows who feast on youthful hubris.
19th December 1995
Royal National Theatre,
I am writing to you to apply for the position of Richard Eyre advertised in The Guardian, Monday 18th December. As a recent graduate with a 2:1 BA (Hons) in Drama, I have a wide range of experience in all types of theatre, including front of house work. My current job of working in the Cash Office and on the Information Desk of a busy high street chemist has provided me with the administrative and problem-solving skills necessary to be Richard Eyre. I work well under pressure.
I have visited the Royal National Theatre several times, most recently to see ‘An Inspector Calls’ which was quite good, and this has provided me with a good working knowledge of what the job of Richard Eyre would entail. The current Richard Eyre is, I understand, quite old, but I feel a more youthful approach may bring a new slant to the position and I am younger than Sam Mendes. I also own a light cotton safari suit.
In my spare time I enjoy fencing, watching television and socialising. I have good communication skills and I work well both on my own and as part of a team. I was a prefect in my secondary school and was secretary of the University of Bristol Drama Society.
I am required to give my present employers, Boots the Chemists Ltd, one month’s notice but after that time I am available to work every day except Saturday. If I am accepted in the position of the new Richard Eyre I am willing to relocate to London so there will be no need for me to commute.
As I am aware that the Royal National Theatre funds are limited, I have enclosed an SSAE.
Daniel Tetsell, BA(Hons)
Fair play, they did send me a polite letter, including an application pack. Having nothing better to do than avoid moving back in with my parents, I replied.
29th January 1996
APPLICATION FOR APPOINTMENT AS SUCCESSOR TO RICHARD EYRE, DIRECTOR, ROYAL NATIONAL THEATRE
Following your letter of 4th January, I thought I should address each of the points outlined in the ‘Qualifications and Qualities’ section of your infobooklet in order.
1. A commitment to artistic excellence.
Yes, I have a commitment to artistic excellence.
2. A track record of success, preferably at first hand as a director, in the production of British and international drama.
I have first hand experience at directing British drama and have been in a play in Edinburgh written by an American.
3. A clear and distinctive vision of the National as a national theatre.
It is clear to my vision that the National should be distinctly national as indicated by the name. If it catered purely for a minority of London-based artists and critics it would not be held in such high regard by people in Hull or other such places.
4. The gift of communicating that vision, effectively and persuasively, to the staff of the National at every level and to the public.
Learning from my experience at Boots The Chemists Ltd, I would hold weekly ‘team meetings’ every Tuesday morning. This would necessitate opening later, probably about 9.30am but I would communicate the need for this effectively and persuasively to the general public who would be sure to be accommodating.
5. The ability to be an effective team builder.
I am an effective team builder.
6. The ability to motivate and to inspire.
I believe the appointment of a relatively inexperienced successor to Richard Eyre, Director, Royal National Theatre, would motivate and inspire the staff to achieve better things.
7. Experience, or understanding, of strategic management, including the management of financial resources (particularly at a time of constrained budgets), as well as project and staff management.
Once again my experience will stand me in good stead in meeting the requirement of this slightly longer paragraph. I am an unemployed Drama graduate and thus have ample experience in the management of financial resources (particularly at a time of constrained budgets).
8. An awareness of the major issues facing the National, British theatre and other major Arts companies.
I know, I know. Just do not talk to me about it. I blame the government. I have recently written an angry and pompous letter to The Guardian about it, which I got 39 of my friends to sign.
9. Practical experience of running a theatre would be highly desirable.
I have built and sold tickets from the Box Office of a busy Edinburgh Fringe venue.
I hope these points will clarify my application and make your choice a bit easier.
Thank you for your consideration.
Daniel Tetsell, BA(Hons)
I didn’t get the job. Which is lucky as I would probably have passed on Warhorse.